I present to you a marvel of modern science. The Alarm Clock:

Many have tried to wake me. Few have succeeded. It is because for me, I must be jarred awake so I really get up. I can move, speak, think, and see (briefly) while still technically asleep. Those functions associated with consciousness aren't as clear cut as you would think. An average alarm may go off in my vicinity, but normally I have just enough functionality in my unconscious state to get up, turn it off, mumble how rude it was, and lie back down in bed - even if it was across the room - and not remember it ever going off when I truly awake. I've tried everything. I drink a bottle of water right before bed. I think really hard while I'm trying to sleep about exactly when I need to get up (sometimes that gets me up at that exact time I was thinking - It's so creepy, you should try it). Nothing works. I still get up an average of 45 seconds before I have to be in class. It's just not a healthy habit.

Maybe it's like the common cold in that no clock could possibly best my mind's intense will to sleep at all costs. These masterpieces, however, are certainly going to give me a run for my money.

The carpet alarm clock requires weight pressure to turn off. You would have to put your full weight on it. I doubt I would do that more than once or twice before I kicked it under the bed or pressed on it with my feet and then went back to bed. However, it is an interesting perspective that would probably work for many people.

The helicopter alarm clock is just demonic. The alarm goes off, and so does the helicopter. That will fly in many different directions based on what it hits. The alarm is un-endable until the helicopter wings are put back on the launch pad, making you get up and look for wherever the hell the bloody thing landed. I've never had this alarm, but I can imagine that it would drive me nuts and make my roommate wet his pants laughing.

These are all well and good, but I have encountered one clock that puts them all to shame. Nothing can wrest a gut-wrenching scream from me quite like: Spongebob.

I had this alarm a few years back. Let me just say that the beginning of the theme from Spongebob is enough to wake a man from any sleep state, including a tranquilized one. You awake in horror staring at its inherently evil face and you want to hurt something. My alarm never passed the "OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" portion of the "melody" before I punched it or threw it or maliciously yelled at it. But I got up. Every time. That alarm's first 5 seconds was like a shot of caffeine into my blood stream. Unfortunately, the clock itself took such a beating that eventually I snapped dear old Spongebob clean off and broke the clock from the 7th level of Hell.

Moral of the story? Human Beings can't create something from this side of heaven that can wake me up on a consistent basis. I'm open to suggestions, but for now, I just have to get lucky. It's because the same driving will to create and invent, the spark of creation if you will, cannot match in strength the will to continue that dream, do nothing but rest for one more hour, or to avoid our responsibilities.

What are your alarm clock stories? Hit me up for some comments!

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